


Alis Volat Propriis

by AlexaJKay



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Post ME3, Synthesis Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-12 05:54:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4467899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexaJKay/pseuds/AlexaJKay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ME3 ending: synthesis. To them she was an idea - The Saviour Of the Galaxy, the first human Spectre. To him, she was a friend, a bondmate. His spirit. They both knew their time was limited; both knew that ideals were to be sacrificed if victory was to be achieved... but one day, they'll unite.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: While reading, I recommend listening to:
> 
> 1st and 2nd part: ME3 OST - Once and For All  
> 3rd part: 'ME3 OST - Lost Without You'

\--------------------------------  
The Citadel: The choice was hers. Frowning, Shepard dropped her weapon and looked at the green sphere of light. The energy pulsing off was making her skin crawl. It was absurd, but it was almost as though it was calling out to her. Briefly she considered shooting the damn thing. Was this the only way? Has she gone through all this, through death and life only to die again? Resigning herself to her fate, she sighed and steeled herself. Lady Luck seriously hated her guts, it seemed. Just when she found reasons to live, to fight... It wasn't fair. Did anyone ever asked if she wanted to be the fucking hero? Did anyone ever ask what SHE wanted? No, she couldn't think like this. Humanity and the entire damn Galaxy depended on her. Since the moment she got promoted to become the first human Spectre, the Reapers, the Citadel, everything... It all weighted on her shoulders. It was her burden to bear.

There was only one thing left do to. Gritting her teeth, she ran; each step jarring the burns and wounds on her body. Close to the edge she jumped, knowing that it was now or never, that it was the time to end it all - once and for all.  
For the briefest moment the pain let up as she floated down into the Crucible, and her mind brought up the memories of her crew. Her friends. Family. It was almost ironic: when she died the first time, she was prepared. This time she was petrified. She never mentioned it to anyone, but she was almost happy for the respite death brought her... That's until Cerberus brought her back. Now? Smiling bitterly, Shepard closed her eyes. Joker, Miranda, Traynor, EDI, Mordin, Anderson, Tali, Kasumi... Garrus. Choking back a sob, she tried to hold onto her consciousness. After her first death she tried to keep everyone away, least she grew attatched to life. The Reapers; always knowing her time would come; again. Somehow they - Garrus - all slipped through her defenses and buried themselves in her heart. Pain lurched through her as her body started disintegrating. All Shepard was aware of was the pain. The awful pain consuming all of her, slowly but surely.

Garrus. 

Garrus. GARRUS. Her thoughts were beginning to become a jumble of images. Them on the Citadel. Them dancing. The feeling of his arms around her. Standing in front of the aquarium, their forheads touching, an intimate moment. Their goodbye. Helplessness. Fear. Sorrow. Love. She wanted to live, to stay with him. To grow old with him...  
"All fleets! The Crucible has been armed. Disengage and head to the rendezvous point." Hackett's voice came through on her radio. "I repeat: Disengage and get the hell out of here!" Shepard felt her body disappear as the Crucible absorbed her - merging the synthetics and the organics.  
They'll all live. 

It is done; once and for all...

 

\--------------------------------

 

"All fleets! The Crucible has been armed. Disengage and head to the rendezvous point." Joker tapped the console keys furiously. They had to do SOMETHING. They couldn't leave Shepard behind. HE WON't LEAVE SHEPARD BEHIND. "I repeat: Disengage and get the hell out of here!" Hackett repeated, and he felt someone grab his shoulder. He shook the hand off. Shepard died saving his ass, he won't allow her to do it again. If she dies on some heroic stunt again, he's gonna kick her back to life. Brittle bones be damned.   
Garrus' voice shook him. "Joker, listen. We have to go." Hands dropping onto his lap, his head hung. Joker knew... He knew all along that there was nothing he could do. Tears welled up in his eyes. "Damn it." Shepard. He failed her. AGAIN. Scowling, his fingers tapped in the rendezvous coordinates and he looked away as he finalised the action. The Normandy turned. They were off - without Shepard.  
They were flying away and suddenly a blast shook the ship and they were running - flying - away from the kinetic blast wave that followed the explosion of the Crucible. Shoulders tense, he worked the console, trying to get them as far away as possible before they all ended up wherever the hell Shepard could be now. He couldn't let her sacrifice be for nothing. Garrus holding onto the pilots chair and Traynor working on the console next to him, they managed to safely put some distance between the wave and themselves.  
Not for long though. As the mass relays pulsed, the Normandy shook and they were veering off course and into some unknown planet. "Oh hell no," they were NOT going to crash. Joker flicked his cap and attempted to get some control back. "Come on, baby." he muttered. He had to bring down the ship as safely as possible.  
The Normandy shook violently with the effort. The mass effect barriers were strained and the energy core was waining. Just a bit more, just a little bit faster, just that one last push! Lights were flickering in the pilots cabin and Garrus talons tore into his chair as his harmonics emitted a low rumble. "Mass effect barriers working at %457! Attempting to stabilise the drive cores functional intergrity." Traynor's panicked voice sounded off, as her fingers flew on the keys.   
"EDI, shut the thannix cannons off. I want all the power on the thrusters and quick!" Garrus growled. Normally, Joker would have made a quip about the Turian and his cannons. It wasn't the time for that now, though.   
So instead he concentrated on keeping them all alive. He owed that to Shepard.  
Muscles cramping from the work and sweat rolling down his face, he realised that the wave coming closer and closer. "Shit..."  
Jokers eyes widened. They couldn't get out of the blast radius in time. Brows furrowing, he slapped the console keys. 'That's gonna hurt later' he thought, grimly.  
"Everyone get into your seats and strap yourself in! We're gonna attempt an emergency landing!" working the straps on his pilot chair he prepared himself for the worst. Hell, he might be the best pilot on the damn Galaxy, but... DAMN IT!   
Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. EDI was smiling at him, offering him silent support and a goodbye, if it all went to shit. He laid a hand on her hand and smiled at her. Who would have thought that they'd become so close overtime? Its decided. Joker swiveled his chair towards her and pulled EDI to his lap, and burried his face between her shoulder and neck; even as his bones fractured under her weight. As though understanding him - he didn't know if she felt fear too - her arms surronded him and she laid her synthetic cheek on his head.   
He was a hell of a lucky bastard. Becoming the pilot of the most beautiful ship in the Galaxy and holding the embodiment of her in his arms.   
The Normandy lurched forward and his heart skipped a beat.

 

\-------------------------------

 

They were alive.  
EDI helped Joker out of the pilots chair and hung back as everyone else made their way towards the airlock.   
Garrus spared them both a look. His whole body felt as though he got mauled by a Brute. Shepard... "There's no Shepard without Vakarian" she said to him as she carried him onto the MEDEVAC shuttle. "I love you, Garrus Vakarian." The words rushed out her mouth. They both knew, knew she might not be coming back. Garrus placed his trembling hand on the side of the airlock, covering everyones exit. All these years, all the things they've been through... Jokes about her ability to kick death in the ass were a regular occurence with the amounts of '"should-have-died-but-didn't's". They both fooled themselves into thinking she was invincible, didn't they? Shepard could have anyone, yet she chose him. Scars and alien body and all. A bitter laughed choked him. Joker jumped out - his bones seemingly all healed up - and was reaching out to EDI who took his hand and followed him out.   
Shepards words haunted him. "You'll never be alone."... Garrus jumped out of the Normandy.  
Green and synthetic leaves covered the trees around the ship. They were in the middle of nowhere, but they were safe. Alive.   
Turning slightly, he watched as Joker put a hand around EDI's shoulders. His mandibles were stiff as she SNUGGLED to Jokers side. Liara stood next to the pair, smiling lightly, oblivious to Garrus' shaking. They had all changed, somehow. Most likely because of Shepard. Shepard who sacrificed herself for eveyone. For Joker and EDI. For Legion, Tali. For the entire Galaxy. The person who deserved the most, gave herself for the good of everyone else. Was he jealous of Joker? Perhaps. He wasn't about to start lying to himself.  
Closing his eyes, he tried not to imagine what she felt, as she chose her own demise. Did she think of him? Was she in pain? Spirits, he hoped not. It was the least fate owed her, for forcing her to give her own life. His heart ached. His breaths came in hiccups as he struggled to keep his keens and subharmonics at bay. There was no need to gather attention to himself. Garrus turned away from the trio and stalked back into the damaged ship. Madibles flared as he struggled with his emotions; he found himself in Shepards quarters. Her smell - clean and warm and HER - enveloped him. Maybe he wasn't alone. In here, he could feel her. Feel as though she curled around him, comforting and HIS.   
Shaking, he stumbled to her - THEIR - bed.   
Not realising that he was growling, he fell to his knees and tangled his hands into the bedcovers. She was gone. Shepard was gone. The only person in this Galaxy, his best friend, his bondmate... Gone. For the second time, he lost her.  
An angry roar erupted from his chest, the end of it turning into the terrible, agonizing moan of a wounded animal.  
Pressing his face onto the sheets, Garrus sighed. How could he rejoice the victory when the Galaxy was so empty without her? All that he wanted was her. Omega after her death was NOTHING compared to this. After finally realising his feelings towards her. After getting a taste of Heaven that she was... He was left with nothing. Nothing, but their memories and her possessions.   
How long would this pain last? This was an empty victory. Whining, he pulled the sheets off the bed and wrapped them around his shoulders as he laid down at the bottom her the bed. How long before the scent of her faded and he forgot her face and their memories, moments were gone and he could move on and- he choked. Not Shepard. NOT HER. Anything, but this... He's NOT going to move on. Shepard was the only one. His spirit. His heart. Mandibles tight, he breathed in her scent. The pain of losing her was becoming overbearing - his hiccuping increased until he was hyperventilating. Turians didn't cry, but he wished he could. Oh, how he wished he could spill tears. Humans found crying therapeutic: a tidbit of knowledge he learned in his C-Sec days.   
Exhaustion took him and he fell asleep, whining and calling out for her. 

Garrus prayed to the spirits of Palaven that she'd appear in his dreams.


	2. In death, love survives.

The spirits must have heard his prayers for his beloved appeared in his dreams.

  
"Garrus..." Her soft voice soothes the agony in his heart. Not even daring to breathe in case he broke the illusion, he walks towards her, reaching out like a child - longing for her. For a brief second he was afraid that touching her would make it all disappear. Then Shepard was here, with him and stepping into his arms. Arms wrapping firmly around him.

  
Inhaling her scent, he whispers "Shepard, where are you? Are you alive? Are you-" choking, he hides his face in her hair. This is where he belongs.  
Laughing softly, she nuzzles the crook of his neck. "Garrus, I- I don't know where I am. I don't know jack shit at this point, really." her voice lowers. "All I know is that I'm... I'm a part of you. All of you." Slowly, he moves until they're staring at each other, his hands on her shoulders. Garrus looks into her face. Fuck, this isn't real. This isn't his Shepard.

  
"Hah, should have guessed it. My own head is screwing with me now." he moves away, trembling, trying to keep his composure. No rest for the weary... or grieving. Not even looking at her now. Garrus' shoulders slump and shaking his head, he waves his arm in a careless manner. "You're just saying what I- my head wants you to say. You're not real... Jane."

  
The way her breath hitched, the hesitant way her hand rested on his shoulder. He felt as though he was burning from the inside out. Shepard watched as he slumped further and further, seeing as the weight of his grief took its toll. Narrowing her eyes, she turns Garrus towards her. Voice pure steel. "Look at me." And so he turned. Seeing the agony in his eyes nearly crushed her, but she couldn't fall to pieces now. She had to tell him what happened on The Crucible. What she summarised from hours of sorting through her memories.

  
Shepard herself didn't know what happened after she jumped into The Crucible, but she found herself in white space. Thinking of people somehow... transported her to them, even though they didn't realise it. At first she thought it was the afterlife; that she was a ghost. That's until the words of the starchild came to her. So, she sat in the white vortex and tried to understand. Come to a conclusion.

  
"After I fainted, I somehow ended up at the top of The Crucible." she begun, slowly. Letting him absorb the information and giving Garrus the chance to ask questions. "There... there some sort of an AI waiting for me in the form of a- a child." remembering the face of the child who she failed to save wasn't pleasant. The little boy's face hunted her in her dream. Accused her of killing him.

  
As she swallowed and tried to continue, Garrus raised his hand to hesitantly cup her cheek. Comforting her. His head was telling him that she was merely the making of his grieving mind, but his heart was telling him it was her. At the moment, his head was losing the damn argument.  
"Shepar- Jane, how do you... Is my consciousness- this...?" he searched her face, trying to burn it into his memory. Turning her head slightly, she kissed his hand looking straight into his eyes. She could clearly see the fight in him and it pained her to see him hurting so.

  
"No, Garrus. I don't know how, but... I-" she grabbed his hand and pulled him down to sit on the floor with her. "I thought about all this." Garrus didn't embrace her, only position himself gingerly next to her. Shepard understood his distrust, but it didn't help the pinch of hurt in her heart. "  
"The starchild, he- it spoke to me. Told me I was free to make a choice. That I could either destroy the Reapers, only temporarily halting the cycle; control them, becoming their 'Master' or to... synthesise with them. To join all the beings in the Galaxy and merge the synthetics and organics." Shepard frowned. It all sounded ridiculous, but Garrus seemed to be listening on intently.

  
Feeling reassured by this, she continued. "Then it disappeared. I didn't know what would happen if... I had to make a decision. I didn't want to control the Reapers. For all I know, I would have basically become indoctrinated and a Reaper myself. Destroying the Crucible... Was out of the question. We worked too hard to build it. We need technology to rebuild our planets and ridding everyone of it would mean death for those that were stranded, injured or tech-dependent..." now Garrus' eyes focused on her.

  
"You- you chose to merge the organics and synthetics together. You sacrificed yourself to become a template for synthesis." his voice was trembling. "What about your... Is there a body to be found?" she heard his subharmonics keening. Asking that question was probably killing him, but he needed to know. They ALL did...  
Avoiding his eyes now, a shudder ripped through her. Then her limbs were going cold... and were disappearing. "Oh spirits, no!" it was like relieving the pain of being absorbed again. Fear choked her and dulled her senses. Or was it because she was disappearing again? "Garrus, GARRUS!" His arms were around her, grounding her, but she was still disappearing.

  
"Crap! Jane, what's going on?!" Garrus was piss scared. He didn't want her to disappear. Not again! Shepard felt his heart beating like crazy against side. Tears were threatening to overflow, and she was panting in fear. Not this shit again. As he held her, she attempted to wrap what remained of her arms around him. If this is the last time she sees him, she'll use it.

  
"Garrus-" Shepard begun. "Don't you say it. Don't you dare say it Jane! Fight this, don't leave me alone again!" eyes wild and sumbharmonics whining, he tightened his arms around her to the point where it was almost painful. "Please, Jane. Spirits help me, I can't bear living without you next to me. We're BONDED!" This was the first time she saw him totally lose his composure. Even when they said their goodbyes on Earth, he was still holding onto his fear.

  
Now, tears running down her face, she nuzzled her face in the crook of his neck again and bit down. "Garrus, I love you. I LOVE YOU. I don't know if this is the last time I'll see you, but I'll be damned if I don't try to do this again. Stay strong, we'll get through this - we always do."

  
The words he spoke to her right before the attack... The words were rushing out of their mouths, as quickly as possible, afraid that they won't get a change to see each other again. Both lonely in their worlds. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" They both muttered at each other, foreheads touching as Garrus' arms were now embracing air.

  
"Etiam in morte, superest amor."

  
"In perpetuum et unum diem." Last kiss. Last goodbye.

 

Shepard was gone, he was alone yet again. Then he woke.


End file.
